Who's The Boss?

My daughter hit the "why?" stage about a month ago. Those of you who are parents of a child over the age of two know exactly what I'm talking about--and those of you who aren't have almost certainly seen it played out in a movie or bad family sitcom. While most things that happen in those 23 minutes of carefully scripted "family life" are farfetched, unfortunately the screenwriters are not exaggerating this exhausting phase children go through.

I try very hard not to lose my patience, but conversations like these almost make me want to reneg on the whole "paci is only for sleeping" rule we have in our house:

"Let's get your shoes on so we can go!"

"Why?"

"Because you have to have shoes on to walk to the pool."

"Why?"

"Because the road is very hot and you might hurt your feet."

"Why?"

"Because it will burn you."

"Why?"

"Because the sun makes things very hot in the summer."

"Why?"

"Because 90% of the sun's infrared rays are absorbed by asphalt."

"Why?"

As frustrating as an inquisitive toddler can be, I have at least learned that they aren't necessarily looking for an answer, or even listening to what you respond with, so it's safe to have a little fun with them in order to survive the stage.

What I am having trouble learning, however, is how to handle the inquisitive almost-five year old, who is listening to everything you say and is ready to challenge each word that comes out of your mouth. My son may not simply say "why?" anymore, but it's a very similar game--only I feel like I'm losing this one repeatedly because sometimes I really don't have an answer. He is not asking about the easy stuff. No "why is the sky blue?" or "how can fish breathe underwater?"

He's asking, in more words or less, for my husband and I to defend our parenting.

That may sound complex for a four-year old, but isn't that basically what "but Grandmother let me do it" is? A provocative statement meant to force us to explain why we say no and some people say yes? True, there are a lot of times where I have a good answer. Not to throw Grandmother under the bus, however, there are easy explanations for why four-year olds don't need Froot Loops every day.

But what about the times where the answer is really just "because I said so?"

I certainly heard it as a child, but as a parent myself it just doesn't seem fair. My kids are smart, and I want to believe that if I had a good reason, they'd accept it and quit kicking and screaming. I know, rookie parenting dream. Is there a reason that he can't watch another show, or fingerpaint, or ride his bike all the time other than the fact that I just don't want to deal with it? A lot of the time, no, there's not. Do I feel guilty saying that? Yes, most of the time.

How do you "parent" the gray areas without resorting to those familiar catch phrases like "well, life's not fair" or "because I'm the boss, that's why," when there's really not a practical reason you're being the bad guy at that very moment? Or are those good enough reasons--is "because I said so" a perfectly valid answer in the parent/child relationship?  Here's what I know:  kindergarten definitely trumps the terrible twos!